I haven't been here for quite a while now and some of you were really kind to enquire about it, so thank you, really. It just wasn't this place that I was absent from but from everywhere I could be. I wasn't feeling anything or maybe I was feeling a bit too much of everything, I don't know. My mind was everywhere but in the present. And maybe that is why I wasn't making an effort to stay in touch with the people I care about; to be honest I couldn't, didn't have the strength for it.
 Little things remind me of my childhood and I'm instantly in tears, like when my Dadosa(Granddad) would take  my brother and me to buy us chocolates everytime he'd visit us. Like every time I would cry I'd run to my Kakosa (uncle) and want him to come back soon if he were away. Like every evening when Mama and me would water the plants and she would teach me the proper way to do it. Like every time my Bhuasa (Aunt) would visit during the holidays, my cousins and I would go to play in the park in the evenings. Like every time we would want to eat more mangoes than each other. Like in the evenings I would go cycling with my best friend. Like the time when during every summer I'd be with my cousins making sandcastles in our farm and drinking as many glasses of lemonade as we could and climbing trees while playing hide and seek and riding a horse every morning and bursting into laughter if any of us fell from it and back to being friends even if we fought and teased each other. But most importantly I miss the time when our grandparents were alive because I miss them so much that even thinking about them tears me up(like now).
Did all of it just fade away? The love was it so feeble that it couldn't stay? I tried figuring it out but maybe I don't want to because then I'd even think about those days with a sour feeling that it was nothing but a pretense.  I was actually happy then and the people I care about were too and they weren't so busy that they'll forget that I am still a family and I'm still here. The love was real is what I'm trying to imply, now it's just a social media kind of love where if you care about a person the entire world has to know except for that person. When did it get so bad? When did our emotions just fade away? And why? I don't want to be stuck in the past but I don't even want to be in the present where nothing goes beyond the social media. And maybe that is why I'm letting the past swallow me up in the form of memories. To be honest the only way I avoid it by always keeping my nose in a book and it helps to a certain extent, and maybe that is okay for now.
                                                                 xx